I’ve been feeling restless but also tired, depressed and aimless. It’s a horrible mix, I get very little done. I’ve managed to keep my YouTube channel updated and generally speaking my podcasts High Trek and High Tea Time have been released on a regular schedule (you can find them HERE as well as other Star Trek stuff). Still, I feel like I haven’t been doing as much as I could.
My day to day activity is low, a lot of that has to do with depression. I take medication and it works, I don’t feel like I’m in a void of despair every day, so I consider that a win, but I am certainly not at 100%. I have trouble staying out of bed every day. I can’t recall a day in the recent past where I didn’t go to bed at least once, if not twice, during the day.
The time I am out of bed I do get some work done, as I said I’ve maintained my podcasts and YouTube release schedule, but I want to do more, but it’s struggle. There are times where I want to create but I feel like there is an invisible wall between me and creating and I just keep hitting my head against that wall.
This has led to a sense of restlessness that I feel in my heart. I want to satisfy it , but I find I’m unable to bring myself to satiate the restlessness inside me. The problem is multifaceted; a larger than I like part of the problem is the chemicals in my head not working right.
With my novel, I struggle to be able to focus enough to put word to paper. Part of the problem is that I finished a big story arch a few months ago and it’s been hard to pick up the pieces and create a coherent narrative from there. I know that part of overcoming the problem is forcing myself to sit down and write, no matter the kind of crap that comes out of my mind. I can fix it in edit. But It’s hard when I don’t know how I’d like the story to progress.
I do know the ending but getting from where I’m at to the end is difficult a this point. This mostly affects my novel writing, although I have written enough that I’m able to keep up my monthly posting. If you haven’t read my novel rough draft or haven’t kept up with it, you can read it HERE.
I have been keeping up on my YouTube, but just so. Part of my restlessness is the lack of creativity with my content. It’s the same old same old, fighting videos. Viewership has been on the rise, but I feel like I’d like to do something more narrative. My vlogs were nice but I haven’t been able to travel much the last few months, so I have no new content on that front.
There is a Halloween movie contest I really wanted to enter. It’s not so much a movie as a video that is at a max 5 minutes long, but I’ve had problems coming up with ideas. Today I finally came up with a framework I think would work for a video, but it requires other people and I’m not sure I can get people together quickly enough to film something. I may still try, but It’s due on the 24th and I’m not sure I can get people together to film in time.
I have started to record my LARP Chats season two. So far I’ve recorded one interview, my goal for this next season is ten interviews. I had hoped to have three recorded at this point but anxiety got in the way of recording one and scheduling stopped the other.
The one I recorded was Oromis’ interview. I recently went on a trip to Inland Ocean (Redmond, WA). I say trip, but it was just visiting with friends and going to Amtgard. I didn’t do anything else. I had a really good time though. Hell, that Saturday night Oromis, Talius, Guin and I stayed up till 4am chatting and nocking back some drinks.
I really need to find some sort of LARP content that is creative, engaging and doesn’t require me to rely on other people. I have no idea what that would be, but that’s part of my restlessness, is wanting to create something but not knowing what or having the means to do things I think would be fun.
I would love to increase my streaming, I have been continuing Baelnorn and Friends, my monthly LARP Chat show, which I’m happy with, but I would like to do more. I did spend a few hours streaming Just Chatting during Locke’s recent subathon, which surprised me. I didn’t think I would be able to do that for two hours. It helped there was an active chat to bounce topics off of. It really got me wanting to up my streaming game.
I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to start my writing streams again. I never did finish my last story, but the problem I’ve been having with writing my novel also extends to writing my short stories. That combined with my natural anxiety has made it difficult to just push the live button. I hope I will be able to overcome this and get back to streaming.
I’m also considering starting my Dungeons and Dragons streams again. I had a very specific idea of what my D&D streams were going to look like. It combined an edited podcast and had a companion site, with summaries of each session. I couldn’t fit in the podcast element and I still don’t think I can.
I’ve finally managed to change my mental expectations of the project to remove the podcast element which makes it feel like there is a lot less I have to do. That’s led me to believe I might be able to start streaming D&D again. I just have to update the website with the last two sessions I did and I can start working on streaming it again.
What It All Means
I started this blog because I wanted to work through my own thoughts and to give an update to all my readers. So what does this all mean? It means I want to do more than I am currently doing. I want to break out of this terrible pattern of mediocrity I’ve been stuck in, I want to get back to creating more content. I hope this blog is the first step to doing that.
I don’t know when there will be any evidence of this increase in content, As I come to the end of this blog I think I will start with tackling the D&D session summaries starting today so I can clear the way to adding D&D back to my monthly content.
I also think I will add back streaming to my retinue soon. I just need to hit that live button and not concern myself with a schedule or any specific length of time. I just need to get back to it, if I do it enough I might be able to get back to a weekly schedule.
If you’ve read this afar I’d like to thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to engage in my content. You can leave comments here on this blog or you can join me on Discord. I am now on a joint server with Locke.
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